Enduring.

This past week has been a very weird and extremely emotional one. A week ago I took my final. I studied nonstop the week prior with people in my class and by myself. You would probably think I'm crazy if I told you how much time I put into all of that studying. As I went to take my final, I felt prepared and ready. However, I wasn't ready for the shock that would come that afternoon. Even though I gave it my all and did my best, my best was not good enough. Like the 13 others in my class who did not pass with me, I now am trying to figure out what plan b is going to be. I'm hurt, I'm sad, I feel like someone very close to me has died.... it has been so hard. To watch all your friends in your class move to the next step, and you not move forward is one of the worst feelings. Even the director of nursing at CGC offered me little hope. I would have to say, this is the biggest obstacle I have ever faced. I wish it would just disappear.... nope, it's still there. After praying, recieving blessings, I thought, "You've got to be kidding me. God, why??? Did you not know how BAD I wanted this? Maybe I'm just really stupid and didn't read the entire text book word for word like I should have." I was angry, sad, and confused. "How could this happen to me??" It's hard to hear others tell me, "Well maybe this happened for a reason." I'm sure it has happened for a reason, maybe to make me a better nurse, maybe to make me realize nursing isn't for me, maybe to help someone.... I have no idea. But I do know, I did my best and that was all I could have done. I know God leads us where we need to be. I don't want to be here, but I know I'm supposed to be here. My brother sent me an amazing email the other day and said, "Just because you didn't pass doesn't mean that God wasn't answering your prayers. Maybe He was doing it in a way you didn't want, but He never ignores us.... God doesn't want you to fail, but things happen so He can help us see how great the good times are when we struggle through the hard times." I'm picking myself up again and trying to find the path I need to be on. My faith has been tested, but I'm relying on God to lead me where He wants me to be.

I am..

I am thrilled that block 2 is almost over... last clinical on Thursday!

I am really really wanting to finish paining and decorating my house... only a few more weeks.

I am frustrated that I haven't had much support during this difficult time in my life... you really have no idea.

I am watching my dog sunbathe. What?

I am laughing because I have everyone fooled by thinking I'm so "sweet and quiet." Really?

I am wishing I could be at Amoeba right now. Bliss.

I am excited for when my brother (other best friend) comes home in August... I CAN'T WAIT!

I am drinking a cherry diet coke. (Yeah, the pic isn't cherry, but it looks tight.)
I am hungry, but don't care to eat right now.

I am grateful for my heritage. My Mexican family and the gringos. Yep, my ancestors chased the Mormons out of the midwest. Does it bother me? No, because I am here.

I am soooo excited to go to Iron Maiden and Megadeth this summer.

I am listening to X. Probably my favorite punk band other than The Misfits.

I am happy to be married to my best friend forever... I love him more than words can say.
I am not sorry for expressing my feelings.

I am at peace.

This, this, and this.

4 more weeks of.......

Followed by 3 months of.......

Break.

I don't think spring break is good for me. I probably should be studying for my test next week and doing some assignments.... but I PROCRASTINATE LIKE MAD CRAZY!! I sit and daydream about our future family, fixing up our house, and doing all of the things I wish I could.... but all of that is on hold.... Grrrr.... Frustrated.

Nursing school is so much harder than I ever imagined. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now and JUST. BE. DONE.... or so I hope to be done. Sometimes I still wonder if it's for me.... It's so hard when both you and your spouse are in school and working. Studying and not spending much time together is THE PITS. I don't recommend it to anyone.

However, I am very grateful for a supportive husband and his love for me! Especially when I'm complaining about school.... which I think every nursing student would agree, YOU DO A LOT OF IT :-] I'll be so happy when Blaine is in school full time and really getting towards his goals. I feel guilty for setting him back in school, but it was something we knew would happen. I'll be even happier when he's done! That's still a ways away.

Patience is not a friend of mine, especially when things aren't going too well (in certain aspects of life). But it's something I have to live with. I know someday all of things will come and happen. For now, I'm trying to be optimistic.

Nevermind....

I hate school!! I'm convinced my teacher is the wicked witch of the west. She looks like her, laughs like her, and is EVIL!!!! Boo on crap loads of homework, ridiculous research papers, grumpy patients, and wenchy teachers!!

Look what I can do!

I know you want one...... :-]

No really, I have one sterile needle left :-] Any takers?? Block 2 is going great so far! I love it. Passed both my IV and trach care practicums on my first try. First exam... not so good. The next one will be better, I promise. I love poking people with things.... at least dummies for now. I'm still submersed in homework... as is Blaine. We start clinicals at Mercy Gilbert on Thursday! Excited and nervous! Wish me luck!

All good things must come to an end..

So it is true. My dear sweet beloved break is coming to an end Wednesday. Thank you break for letting me enjoy:

Going to the Botanical Gardens twice with my husband. I love visiting you. I can't wait to see you this spring.

Thank you for letting me spend time with my cousins. I love them and miss them... very much.

Thank you for letting me spend time with my family. They are theee best. Especially when the dress up as Santa and pull it off :-]

I don't thank you for letting me spend my first married Christmas sick. That was the pits. I cried for 4 hours straight Christmas eve night because I was in so much pain. You royally sucked.

Thank you for letting me dress up my dog.

Thank you for letting me bury her in our laundry. She's so cute.

Thank you for letting me eat a giant cupcake with my husband.

Thank you for letting me spend my husband's birthday with him. We ate waaay too much.

Thank you for letting me enjoy spending time with my happy husband. He is too good for words. I'm so in love with him.

Thank you for letting me go to Ikea and quote 500 Days of Summer while I was there. Thank you for letting me get a new book case, shelves, picture, and accessories for my house. Sorry I threw a fit in the parking lot.

Thank you for my new curtains and paint. I'm in love with them.

Thank you again for my new paint. It makes me so happy. And thank you again for letting me spend time with my husband. He's so handsome.

Thank you again for letting me eat birthday cake.... 3 times.

Thank you for letting me enjoy my break, get things done, talk to my brother, spend time with Blaine, see my family, and realize what is important to me.

I am reaaaallllyyyy nervous for this semester. I was excited, but not anymore. By the looks of it already, I think I should start digging my grave now. No joke. So, as sad as I am to say it, the blog will once again be put on the back burner. Have a happy spring everyone! I won't :-]